SOMBER-RESPLENDENCE<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“… life sucks, time flies, then<\/em> you die …”<\/p>\n\n\n\n 31 Oct 2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n —————————————————————-<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Dad, was that reaaally you?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dad struggles to see the picture his daughter’s holding up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Adjusting the helmet of his cumbersome robo-cardboard box costume, he’s able to peep through the mesh cut-out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A youth in uniform has both thumbs up, with one leg over a bad-ass car.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He judges the image. Barely recognizes himself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While not so proud now looking back, he’s not completely ashamed either. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As, despite everything, his little girl is with him, safe and sound.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “That was me once upon a time baby heart, from when I met mamma bear 8 years ago.. ….right after my first deployment.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n The cramped and cluttered little SC apartment with no A\/C felt stiffer and emptier at the end of his sentence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He takes the picture from her tiny little hand, analyses it closer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “This is a snapshot of an era where you didn’t have to pay for grocery bags, and Netflix worked only through the mail, and….<\/p>\n\n\n\n –Wowsers, it really feels like forever ago… so much has happened since–“<\/p>\n\n\n\n He places the photo down on the flimsy and worn out Ikea dinner table, and runs his arms from his elbows up and down, and head side to side,<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Memory overload, re-starting. Re-starting. error 404, error, erreeeeeerrrrr.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n His mummified, wrapped in double-ply toilet paper daughter giggles, “Don’t be a draaaaama queen da-, I mean, Mr. Roboto, your random access memory ain’t that old!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n She moves the photo and her unfinished birthday-cupcake to the side. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Empties the zip lock bag full of priceless polaroids, printouts, and little souvenirs onto their kitchen table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Spreads it out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Nemeny had specifically wished for his photo stash for her big day. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For December, she’ll probably ask for his dress blues jacket, so she can be a coat next Halloween. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dad always says yes, even if he doesn’t really want to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She masterfully put together the materials in what appears to be a logical chronological order she can imagine a voice to. <\/p>\n\n\n\n She’s so glad mom liked to take so many pictures, despite her–<\/p>\n\n\n\n Her eyes scan a picture of a surprisingly much more fashionable and slimmer dad, smiling brighter than she’s ever noticed, hugging mom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Her back leg raised up on him a little.<\/p>\n\n\n\n } He’s changed so much and looks so distant {<\/p>\n\n\n\n The voice from after the accident creeps in her mind and looks along,<\/p>\n\n\n\n Well well well… …how unexpectedly uninspiring. And, pathetic.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Nemeny ignores it and asks if she solved the Dee-Ay-Dee picture puzzle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dad stands up and bends slightly over the table in his card-board costume, moving mechanically.<\/p>\n\n\n\n …”Processing, processing…”<\/p>\n\n\n\n As his hands reorganize a few pics; piston and hydraulic noises escape him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He discreetly double taps a bell in his pocket, **Ding-ding! **<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Task complete!”…<\/p>\n\n\n\n And stays frozen in place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Nemeny laughs and gives him a hug, she loves it when he commits to the cosplay bit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She knows him well enough that this isn’t easy nor fun for him, despite the act.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Standing in front of the finished flashbacks his daughter brought together, he continued to remain paralyzed in time and space:<\/p>\n\n\n\n A young Marine is back to the Camp Lejeune barracks life, but this time, things are different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He’s wiser now. Salty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fresh from Operation Iraqi Freedom, 2005, he’s got the keys to the world ahead of him: <\/p>\n\n\n\n A recent promotion, Lance Corporal, one chevron up, with crossed rifles in the center.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3 medals added and a good cookie award around the corner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Substantial deployment savings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And a fast-tracked citizenship to boot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It’s official, he’s now a real member of the U.S.A club, the paper-work is legit and signed off on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n No more worrying about being bothered and othered by immigration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He feels untouchable. Accomplished. A part of something bigger and better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n First order of business; his dream car, a 2006 Lancer Evolution Evo IX; with the wicked-white paint job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He felt different from the other Marines, because they<\/em> got the retro-futuristic Mustangs, with the skittle-color options.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Plus, he lucked out with a competitive “Cleared-hot” 19% interest rate from the dealer, the others were getting 26%.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He takes plenty of pictures of himself and his new whip to upload to his MySpace profile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The base is surrounded by brilliant lights and glares from the street posts and adverts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Car dealerships, fast food, trophy & uniform stores; strip joints, churches, pawn shops and Walmarts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Oh, and ABC boards, Waffle Houses, and all you can eat Golden Corral buffets.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Marine met a girl from off base he likes, an Irish-Dominican mix hottie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She’s confident she’ll be a famous back-up dancer someday.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Marine knew deep down she was not like the other girls.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She was unique and special. Always agreeable, cute, humble and soft spoken. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Texting him from time to time from her college classes, just an hour away, with, “hw r u baby? Miss u. See you this 96? Pick me up at 8?”.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Couldn’t believe how lucky he was, how beautiful she is, he always found himself saying yes dear, yes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Her voice, her eyes… …the love struck dates and countless follow up message replies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He promised he’d work hard, make money, keep them safe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She promised loyalty, hot meals, and a clean house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She’s a simple Christian girl, and really wanted to have a kid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dreams of completing her role as a woman by being a mom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He figures he’s a genius. Can see openings nobody else can see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If they got married, he’d have a bigger paycheck, what with BAH and BAS and all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n All he had to do is stay enlisted until he retired, and there’d be a steady check no matter what.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As long as his body was fit for service for the nation, they’d be set for life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They’d rent somewhere cheap right off of base so he could pocket the difference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She’d take care of the kid and the house, no worries there. She’s got incentive to stay a while, forever maybe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n All he had to worry about was getting really good at pulling out, or maybe he could buy her surgery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The young family man dream, he was going to be a dad someday.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Outside, a group of children yell out obnoxiously,<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Trick O’ Treat!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n The North Carolina barracks memory fast forwards back to a South Carolina apartment reality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dad gently takes a step back, hoping he wasn’t standing there for too long.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Didn’t want Nemeny to think he was weird.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A photo fell down, a tear drop splashed unseen against the inside of his cardboard helmet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The sniffle was audible though, as he bent down to pick up the picture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n His favorite one of her from so long ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She’s gone, but she really wasn’t. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It was a rough relationship, he learned so much.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He notes that Nemeny doesn’t seem to remember the big arguments since the car crash.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He hates himself for thinking it, but in a way, he hopes she can just let it go and forget.<\/p>\n\n\n\n } He must still be hurting for her {<\/p>\n\n\n\n She takes the photo from his hand and puts in back on the table. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This is her project.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Perfect timing, ask him then… …Like I said, I was here before. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Just because you can’t remember, doesn’t mean I forgot. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Nemeny asks, a tinge ashamed, “Dad, why did mom leave us?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n “You really don’t remember baby heart?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Nemeny shakes her head, no. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dad touches the bandages over her head gently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He’s crushed to see his daughter this way, yet thankful she’s alive and will be okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Well, ehrm. You know I’m always honest with you kiddo… You know how you started talking to yourself and wanted us to call you Nemeny for a bit?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Told you!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Nemeny shakes her head, no.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Well, for her, that was the last straw and quite frankly, mines also. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You know how she was so, you know, religious and always worried about what other people think…?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Nemeny nods yes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “She thought you were possessed or something ridiculous like that and… I wasn’t having that and…<\/p>\n\n\n\n Plus, after not being able to re-enlist in the Marines I was, maybe, not as…”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Nemeny is listening, holds his hand as he works through it,<\/p>\n\n\n\n “I’ll say it this way, I wasn’t worth her, time and, energy…?” <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dad kisses Nemeny’s hand with his cardboard drawing of a smiling robot mouth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Your mom is looking out for herself she, came from a tough life and…”<\/p>\n\n\n\n He puts the remaining tray of dollar general cupcakes away in the fridge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “…We have to look at the whole picture, money is very important and, what not.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dad is trying not to accidentally trip and cry over his sentences. <\/p>\n\n\n\n He still doesn’t know how to explain it, and finds the words hard to tie together over the knots in his throat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n } I shouldn’t ask {<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do it. We all need to be on the same page and you have to close your loops.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n He’s stronger than he looks, give him some credit. Now, Ask him.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Nemeny unplugs her phone from the charger, scrolls around her screen for a post from 3 weeks ago, wishes to know how they should feel about this;<\/p>\n\n\n\n Her mom was on Facebook, started the day posting pictures of her fancy coffee-latte and carrot cake, ending the day celebrating a proposal from an older and noticeably well-off gentleman.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The robot stayed there silent, his vocaloid out of service.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The shadow voice lets out a brain sigh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n …tell him its alright, that you don’t think about her anymore<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n “It’s okay dad, I doesn’t bother me. I just want to know how we should feel about it…” <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dad shares he saw it also.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Doesn’t share that he hates her for not calling her daughter. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Hates her most of all for that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “She’s happy babyface. So, we should also be happy for her, and, I think we need to work on our own happiness while giving her her space.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We just gotta stick together until, we’re in a better place as well. Good things are coming sweetie, I promise.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Nemeny looks up to him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She’s precocious enough to see completely through his tough card-board and aluminum foil costume.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gives him another hug.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Thanks him for the best birthday ever, as she takes pictures of the pictures on the table using her phone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There was a magenta scrunchy. She smelled it, it smelled nice. She wore it on her wrist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He asks if there were any other queries, but his enthusiasm wasn’t there anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n } Do we care what my name was before? {<\/p>\n\n\n\n No, we don’t. Besides, I already told you but your blocking yourself on some of these things so..<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Trust me for now, won’t you?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Nemeny lets him off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Domo arigato Mr. Ro, I mean, dad.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n With a mouth full of cupcake she says, “WUVS you!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Stays admiring her picture layout, absorbing the story it tells while she chews, licking the Choco-frosting off her finger tips.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Still suspicious of the voice that keeps seeping into her head. She knows that can’t be normal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n …I can hear you you know…<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Robo-Dad opens the fridge, then closes it, like he forgot something. <\/p>\n\n\n\n He opens it again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Helps himself to a 6 pack of bottled drinks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Keeps himself composed as he robo-walks to his room, telling his daughter he loves her and, to, not stay up too late.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Retreating, like he always does when things get hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The voice can’t help itself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n …avoidance behaviors… …<\/em>like I said, pathetic…<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" SOMBER-RESPLENDENCE “… life sucks, time flies, then you die …” 31 Oct 2014 —————————————————————- “Dad, was that reaaally you?” Dad struggles to see the picture his daughter’s holding up. Adjusting the helmet of his cumbersome robo-cardboard box costume, he’s able to peep through the mesh cut-out. A youth in uniform has both thumbs up, with one […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-28772","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tokitopia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/28772","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tokitopia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tokitopia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tokitopia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tokitopia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28772"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/tokitopia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/28772\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":28773,"href":"https:\/\/tokitopia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/28772\/revisions\/28773"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tokitopia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28772"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}