WATER-OIL
“… My whole world surrounds you, I stumble then I crawl …”
*End of year, 2014*
—————————————————————-
“This is your fkn Fault! you-are-anImbecil! IDIOTAAAAA!”
Mom’s angry volume, tones and accent swerve and crash inside the car as they humbly roll together, as a family, at a snail’s pace, stuck in the everyday 9-5 after school traffic jam.
“If we raised her the right way! Like I SAID we should, we wouldn’t have this problem! But n0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0, you always have to say; I’m the man of the house, I put my foot down. I am a big dumb fkn abnormal animal and what I say goes! My baby this, my baby that.”
Mom mocks his male voice, comically portrays him as some exaggerated gorilla, as she shrieks and scathes.
Dad crushes the faux leather steering wheel padding in the van, matching her energy, a shaky bass behind his points,
“It’s NOT a big deal!”
Dad shakes his head, raising his hands in disbelief.
“If our little baby heart feels homeschooling is what she wants and is willing to try it out, then, who are we to say no to that? Did you even hear any of her points?”
“Points!? You’re the fkn dad! And I’m the MOTHER!
We know better! Our job is to tell her no and set boundaries and send her to school like a NORMAL person.
Bullies and school shootings are just a part of growing up and it WON’T happen to us, because WE graduated just fine!
She also needs to SOCIALIZE! She just wants to be in the house all day on the TV or phone and–“
Dad is red in the face and can’t take it anymore, “–How’s that different from YOU!!!!. If you got paid for all the show binging and nagging you do, we’d be up there with the Kardashians!
Nemeny’s also right in that it will save us a significant amount of time and money, but when it comes to actually solving our–“
“How fkn dare you! It’s NOT my fault I need a certificate and license to paint nails! How’m I supposed to finish my classes if YOU’RE not going to be the one that’ll be homeschooling her?!
Cabron!”
7yr old Nemeny tries to be heard from her booster in the backseat, “Guys I, I can homeschool myself, I looked it up and if you let me–“
–Mom turns around and points her finger up at her “–YOU stay out of this, you’re a kid and kids aren’t supposed to–!”
–“OH NO YOU FKN DON’T!” Dad hammer fists the dashboard while berating mom, commanding her silence with violence,
“”She’s part of this family! She gets to know what’s going on, and you don’t get to just shut her out because she’s seven! I know what it’s like to be–“
The scene continues in Nemeny’s mind.
Shhhhhh now now Nemeny. It’s okay, it’s going to be alright.
Shadow voice Nemeny soothes Nemeny as she whimpers with her eyes shut tight, alone, in what used to be her parent’s room.
Tossing and turning in her blanket, trying to make sense of the memories racing through her mind.
You’re not alone. This bad chapter will be over soon. We can work on a better story, together.
Nemeny wakes up.
Miniature bombs, missiles and rockets are going off in the airspace outside.
Her mind never turns off.
Unable to concretely tell whether she’s day dreaming, or night dreaming.
Awake walking, or sleep walking.
It’s almost midnight, it’s almost a new year.
She doesn’t really dream, or even daydream.
More like, recaps, all the time, day in and out.
Filling in the blanks of the past while at the same time trying to give shape to the blurs of the future.
Presently, she stays staring at the galaxy of stars from the little glow stickers Mom and Dad stuck to her ceiling.
Remnants from the best birthday memory ever last year.
Since mom left, and the accident, she’s been trying to come to terms with what exactly her life is supposed to be about.
Who is she?
More so, trying to put words to it.
Wanting to understand herself better, so that she can be better understood by others.
Her room glows a pale blue.
The mini television beside her plays the news at a whisper volume in a female’s voice.
The news anchor couple on the screen sideways speak to each other on the topics.
Awkwardly presenting and trying to connect to an unknown audience behind the camera.
“…continued threat of helpless law abiding businesses in Ferguson from looters and protestors remains; the governor calls for additional funding and National-Guard troops to support our boys in blue. In other related news, official investigations on the flight MH17 tragedy continue as Russian forces officially annexed Crimea from the Ukraine. Meanwhile, in Israel, we are happy to report that Operation Protective Edge claims victory against many Gaza and Hamas enemy combatants as divine punishment for harboring deadly terrorists. Also involved in international conflict is the Islamic Isis Ji’hads from Yemen, Iraq and Syria. More wins and good news for ending 2014 as the United States and NATO conclude Operation Enduring Freedom against the Afghan terrorists as we continue our campaign against fear and tyranny. As 2015 rolls in a new era of technological advances, our national interests along with those from our friendly neighbors in the Axis of Allies, continue to prioritize a free market and open to new opportunities. Dave?”
“Indeed Diane, the world is on fire, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the little things; Now! A quick break and word from our sponsors. Hello handsome? ED has you in the slumps? Call us! Our mail-order prescriptions will have you up and…”
Shadow Nemeny can feel Nemeny’s thirst.
\There’s some cocoa powder left, and milk in the frid–/
/} –I’ll have water. Thank you. Could you please leave me alone for a bit? Just a little? {\
Sometimes it listens.
The shadow’s nowhere to be heard.
She steps out of her room, careful not to trip over the moving boxes.
The lease ends in 2 months in the 1 bedroom apartment.
She’s excited about leaving South Carolina.
Dad says Texas will be better, that the big oil rigs are always looking to replace entry level labor.
They pay better than his current job of changing the oil and brakes on people’s cars because it’s just a tad bit more dangerous.
Oil is a safe bet to make money, as it’s necessary, and necessary is always in demand.
In her socks, in the kitchen, Nemeny pauses before checking the fridge.
Dad’s on the living room couch in the dark, right after the kitchen and against the outside windows.
Nemeny deduces that since he’s swiping left and right, he must be on that new Tinder app hoping to meet someone.
She rather he do that, then impulsively checking mom’s profile throughout the day.
The fridge is opened.
Surprised, and with a delay on him, Dad sluggishly puts his phone away and drunkenly tells Nemeny happy new years baby heart!
Offers to make her a milk hot chocolate before the new era begins, trying to make the yr change exciting.
She thanks him, no thank you; gets her water and quickly leaves him to his leisure time.
Doesn’t want to cut into it.
He balances two jobs, this is all he has for himself.
This is how she shows pity.
There’s continued fireworks outside.
The Sky crackles are muffled by the apartment windows.
Some of the cheers and lights from it wave in and out from the distance.
Neither of them care.
She’s getting used to drinking just water.
Cheaper. Faster. More readily accessible.
Nemeny clicks the bathroom lights on and closes the door.
She appreciates not having to go thirsty, that must be horrible, to die of thirst.
Dad always keeps bottled water, he says the tap water is riskier, you never know what is being added to it and from who.
She calculates that if she didn’t drink milk or juice, it would make financial space for them for her gift requests.
At least, that’s what shadow Nemeny told her.
That we need to search for warrior art communication through popular games as well.
Nemeny uses the bathroom. Remembers speaking yesterday with dad.
catched him right before he went to work, when his mind and energy was sharpest.
“Dad… …I know it’s not the best time but, is it okay to ask for a DS whenever you can?”
“Haha. Times are tight, but we’re still in the game kiddo. When we can’t afford water and baby wipes, that’s when you know we hit rock-bottom, and last I checked we got plenty of both.”
He’s always looking for something before he left, keys, phone, wallet,
“So we’re fine, don’t worry baby heart, I’ll check craigslist or Beufort Bookoo later, I’m sure there’s a good to go DS out there for a good…” He hated to talk about money, preferred trying to relate to her wherever he could “…Did you know that I used to like playing pokemon back in the day? On a gameboy color, that was a big deal back then and I felt so lucky to have it. Everyone did. I thought Pikachu was cool, haha, now that I think about it, you kind of remind me of him… or her? hehe, no idea now that I think about it. But yeah, after 151 pokemon and missingno, I gave up on keeping up and trying to be…”
Dad sung whenever he could, it always worked in amusing her.
“…The very best! The best there ever was! Must be like, over 500 pokemon by now. My favorite was the cloyster one by the way, does that make me weird?”
She uses baby wipes to clean up and flushes the toilet.
Uses a step-stool to wash her hands.
Looks at the mirror, her memory sees through her reflection, through the mirror door.
Mom’s medi stash of prescriptions and pain pills is no longer there.
She opened the medicine cabinet to make sure.
No medi stash. Her memory and reality match.
Nemeny explores a new memory.
She had Therapy 2 yrs ago.
Therapist told her parents she had schizophrenia. Prescribed medications.
She didn’t like them, made her feel weird, and the shadow voice simply sounded blurry to her, but was there.
Mom insisted that she keep taking them, and the other medis, Dad left it up to me and backed me up.
Shadow voice Nemeny said the therapist is wrong, to not believe them, she’ll understand when she’s older that these kinds of strangers get paid to perform, not heal.
/} …I understood back then… …I think… {\
You do now, and that matters the mostest
She slips back into bed.
Shadow Nemeny had asked her to get a TV to leave on while she’s sleeping.
It wanted to absorb as much news, shows, commercials, and popular culture as possible.
Bits of warrior art were subconsciously extrapolated from the exposure.
Nemeny’s super power; she learns as much passively as she does actively.
When Nemeny asked for it as a night-light, it wasn’t easy.
More memories creep in.
She remembers how scary it was to ask for it.
It was another one of those fights. A cycle.
She asks for something she is unable to get herself.
Mom would try to say no to save money, time, energy, effort… it was always something.
Dad, would try the opposite. The most he could to deliver. The more reasonable the request, the harder he fought.
Dad knocks on the door for permission.
“Come in”
Dad gives a giggly Nemeny goodnight kissies to her forehead and nosey.
Tells her he loves her, and tucks her in.
“Things will change soon baby, I promise. Just hang in there with me.”
He smells of car garage grime and alcohol.
Leaves to go back to the bed-couch. He never uses the bed part, just the couch that smells like him also.
She knows he meant to say Happy New Years again, but forgot.
Tomorrow before he goes to work and as he looks for his keys or something, he’ll say it.
He repeats himself a lot.
It’s because he’s not used to having his open loops closed.
/} That makes sense. I’ll do better with the active listening trick you taught me {\
you remember?
/} Yes, it’s when you summarize what you understood. That closes the loop and usually gives you space to strong man, straw man, or ask a follow up question in the discussion. {\
It’s late, you’re tired. You’ve been homeschooling too much. Did you want another story? One with flowers, community, or giant whales from atlantis perhaps…?
Or, Did you want your story?
Shadow Nemeny would summarize the good parts of her life.
When she stopped, the bad memories would automatically flood in. Arguments. Uncertainty. Vulnerability.
It was explained that her brain is like a problem solving onion. That every layer uses contrast and conflict as a major tool of cognitive understanding. That the injury is highlighting the sensitivity of it.
/} Please tell me more about when I was younger younger… …I’m remembering better now. You were right, it helps.
…And, good night, Nemeny {\
As you wish Nemeny…
…Dad was at work, or at war, so mom was always with us when we were younger younger.
You used to like to nuzzle up to her, and she would pet your head and call you cute and pinch your cheeks.
Sometimes you cried, and she would apologize. Her kisses made everything better.
She’d play with you with dolls and dresses, and read little bible books of animals in a flood.
Mom was classy and fashionable when she went out, she had so many different styles of hair.
And wore the fluffiest and comfiest pjs at home.
You’d watch the latest movies and shows with her, snacked from the same bowl you once wore as a hat.
She picked up after you. She picked up after you a lot actually, and made you feel okay when you cried about… …everything.
She liked to laugh often, and message friends.
She had a secret sparkle in her eyes you liked to catch when she was on her phone.
Speaking of secrets and sparkles, she made the best meals out of nothing. You would try to find out yourself how she did it.
“No no mi amore, you can’t be in the kitchen, it’s dangerous. You can be my little taster, si? Okay?
Sit in your little desk chair there. Here here bebe, a little spoon. It’s hot! Whatcha think?
As Nemeny lets out little blissful snores, she can taste the lasagna. Cream cheese. Melty cheese.
Big peace, all you can eat. Dad agreed. Mom was a luxury.
The pillow cradles the weight of her ear, head, night dreams, and a bit of drool.
Juxtaposition starts to creep in.
The good melts to the bad.
They argued so much. So many things going back and forth. Similar patterns.
Was it money? God?
Were they going to break up? What happens to me? Will they still love me if they don’t love each other?
I can’t make money. I don’t know who God is.
Back in the car.
“She’s YOUR baby then! You obviously love her more than me! You fkn animal, my mother was right, never ever marry a Godless good for nothing pendejo!”
Door slams. Lots of doors slams and some broken dishes. A cell phone once.
The yrs blended. For some reason, the car was the main place for arguments.
The closer people live together, the more arguments there must be, she reasoned.
Dad usually drove. Sometimes the car stayed the same speed when they spoke.
Sometimes he’d speed up. Or, he’d stop abruptly and they would shout louder, back and forth.
The car changed from a white car, to a small van, but now they are in a two door, it’s really fun jumping in back there, the passenger seat has to go down.
She felt proud of herself, she outgrew the old seat to a booster seat. And she’s big enough to buckle herself in.
…She felt like the reason they fought so much…
Shadow Nemeny says, it takes a village to raise a child. When you take away the village, this is what becomes of a couple. The enemy did this…
The reason for the friction wasn’t you. It’s something, external. Something bigger. Their environment, with different layers of social constructs where they have no control…
She remembers vaccines, mom says “The school demands it. Would it kill you to just say yes, let the EXPERTS do their job! I don’t want to have to look for exceptions again. You do it!”
Dad, “If I could I would, but please do this. Some of them are important, I know that, I just want us to be as selective and informed as possible, please lover?”
She remembers earrings, mom says “It’s part of our culture, wtf. She’s a girl”
Dad responds, “She can choose for herself once she knows what earrings are. I’m not into treating my baby like a pin-cushion. Who cares about showing off if it’s a boy or a girl, it’s a baby. And we shouldn’t be over doing it with pink clothes neither, we want her to be herself. Again, we just gotta take care of her until she can choose for herself.”
She remembers church, mom says “Her soul needs protection. God is the ultimate creator and protector. I’ll even take her to bible class myself.”
Dad, “Look, you know I don’t bother you for your beliefs, but just let her grow up first, k? She can read all the books she wants, and she can read the bible with you along with that, deal? And by the way, I do a lot of protecting also you know, it’s heavy work. So please, keep your god away from my credit; I like being appreciated just like anybody else.”
She remembers her name, “That’s insane! She needs therapy! This is what happens when you don’t have faith, this is your fault! God is punishing me because of you!”
dad, “Babe, she’s fine. If she want’s to be named Nemeny we can work with it. If it’s just a phase, it’ll pass. If you stop and think about it, the name we gave her was a placeholder. The only person who can truly name herself is herself I just… …didn’t expect or think I would ever be dealing with something like… Sht, babe, do we have coverage for this? Is therapy covered? “
She remembers puppies, mom says, bringing her arm behind the seat to reach over and hold hers, “we can’t baby. I’m sorry, I had a chihuahua when I was your age. His name was panchito! We just don’t have the space.”
Dad, looks at her through the rear view mirror, eyes red around the edges, “sorry baby heart, someday. Even if we had a little more space, apartments usually charge extra for pets. But don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll be in a better position any day now, and we’ll have the house, the picket fence, and not just one, but two puppies! So that they can keep themselves company when we are not around. deal?”